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You ability remember, from aback at the alpha of the NFL season, aback we previewed anniversary aggregation by accepting a biographer we admired address about their admired team.

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Well, we’re beneath than a ages abroad from the alpha of baseball — bounce training is here! — so it’s time to do the aforementioned affair in the baseball world. Every weekday until the alpha of the season, a altered biographer will examination his/her team. We asked a army of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to acquaint us, in as abounding or as little words as they need, Where Their Aggregation Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or alike logical: We aloof asked them to riff on why they adulation their aggregation so much, or what their aggregation agency to them, or whatever.

Today: The San Francisco Giants. Your columnist is Rick Chandler.

Rick Chandler is the accessory editor of Deadspin. His words are afterwards the jump.


She was a angular sunburned babe whose tan dress of attenuate woolen being clung to her with an aftereffect of dampness. Her eyes were amber and antic in a agleam adolescent face. She accomplished shutting the aperture abaft her, leaned adjoin it, and said: “There’s a babe wants to see you. Her name’s Abdul.”

“A customer?”

“I assumption so. You’ll appetite to see her anyway: she’s a knockout.”

“Shoo her in, darling,” said Spade. “Shoo her in.”

Unable as I am to get to the basal of things like one of San Francisco’s added acclaimed and coldly alone above residents, the above clandestine detective Sam Spade, I’m still not absolutely abiding what to accomplish of all of this steroid and amphetamine business. I’m a adolescent of added simpler times, when, if Willie Mays hit one over the alternation articulation left-field fence at Candlestick Park, one could feel analytic assertive that there was annihilation abaft the draft but authentic adolescent activity and a attempt of adrenaline. Or, in the case of Will Clark, several liters of hooch. The Giants were consistently added fun aback fate, and not science, was conspiring adjoin them. The manic, capricious Candlestick wind; the manic, capricious ambush Johnny LeMaster; and an buying that seemed committed to absolution the aggregation languish in either third place, or Tampa Bay.

The three defining moments in San Francisco Giants history abide of Godzilla-proportioned near-misses. They occurred in the team’s alone three Apple Series appearances aback its New York days: In 1962, bottomward by a run in the ninth inning in the seventh bold and with Willie Mays on third abject and Matty Alou on second, Willie McCovey’s band drive was snared by Yankees’ additional baseman Bobby Richardson for the final out. Then, in 1989, God himself got involved, sending an convulsion above-mentioned to Bold 3 with the Oakland Athletics. The convulsion absolutely acquired Candlestick to sway, with me captivation on within, although annihilation in the esplanade was absolutely ashore except the Giants’ chances. And in 2002, up 3-games-to-1 to the Angels, San Francisco absolutely impossibly activate a way to let it blooper through their crumbling and asperous fingers.

She had aphotic red beard and bright aperture that were redder still, which was odd, aback she wasn’t cutting lipstick. She wore a bodice that apprehend ‘SF Giants,’ although by the way she abounding it out, it should accept apprehend ‘Bowling Assurance For Sale: Inquire Within.’ Spade rocked aback in his armchair and asked: “Now what can I do for you, Miss Abdul?”

She bent her animation and looked at him. She swallowed and said hurriedly: “Could you—? I thought—I—that is—” Afresh she bent her lower lip with bright teeth and said nothing. Alone her aphotic eyes batten now, pleading.

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Spade smiled and nodded as if he accepted her, but pleasantly, as if annihilation austere were involved. He said: “Suppose you acquaint me about it, from the beginning, and afresh we’ll apperceive what needs doing. Bigger activate as far aback as you can. But one affair first. Let’s alpha with your absolute name. You are not Paula Abdul, are you?”

The accepted facts are these: A fourth near-miss is not acceptable to appear in 2007. Barry Zito’s new commitment admitting (that’s a crock, by the way; he’s planning no such thing), the Giants are too old, accept too abounding holes and are dedicating too abounding assets to a assertive part-time larboard fielder whose load-bearing beams could collapse at any moment, abrogation hundreds asleep and injured. I’m not your garden array Brian Sabean basher; I anticipate he’s done added with beneath assets than aloof about any GM one could name. But like the crumbling aggregation he’s constructed, time is not on his side. As addition notable San Francisco character, Robin Williams, already said (and apparently stole), “You had an alarm figure, but your time is up.”

The Departed: Moises Alou, Steve Finley, Shea Hillenbrand, Mike Matheny, Jason Schmidt, Tim Worrell. And Please Welcome: Rich Aurilia, Ryan Klesko, Bengie Molina, Russ Ortiz, Dave Roberts, Tyler Walker, Zito. For Aurilia and Ortiz, it’s their additional bout of duty. Sadly, they appear in after acceptable anatomy armor. It’s not that the Giants are in worse appearance than aftermost season, it’s aloof that they aren’t appreciably better. But hey, you go to war with the army you have, as addition already said. I anticipate it was Crazy Crab.

Spade aback spun on his heels, affective the woman by the algae of her bodice and gave her two abrupt slaps beyond the puss. She let out the affectionate of a bark that one ability apprehend at a dog show, or a Jets game. All pretense was gone now, her wig askew, absolute a glistening, baldheaded head.

“You’re Barry Bonds, aren’t you?” accepted Spade, cuffing him already added for acceptable measure. “Look at yourself! What accept you done?”

Bonds’ articulation befuddled a little, and his aperture shaped the words with abashed jerkiness. “I’m appalling abashed of Bud Selig, the admirable jury, needles, and for some acumen Robert Goulet,” he said, the words blubbering in torrents. “I’m abashed of not breaking the record. Of failure. Of everything.”

Spade appear him in disgust, and Bonds angled into his chair.

Sing no sad songs for the 2007 Giants. The attenuated “glory” of Barry Bonds’ home run almanac hunt will anon be over, Bonds will retire, and things will boring acknowledgment to normal. Summer will arrive, and afresh fall, and afresh the ability that, in the best eye-pleasing ballpark on earth, in the best arresting city, all things are accessible already again.

Spade advised Bonds as one ability a babyish accumulate that had collapsed from its backup … admitting a accumulate with three times the accustomed shoe size. The detective was a man who had apparent the corrupt, the wretched, the blatant ancillary of activity in this city. So why did he feel annihilation but benevolence for this cheater? Looking at Bonds angled in his chair, complaining cautiously into his Paula Abdul wig, as two bowling assurance formed boring beyond his appointment floor, Spade best up the buzz and dialed a bounded number.

“There’s a guy I apperceive who will advice you out,” he said, lighting a cigarette. “Speed, dope, horse steroids, whatever you’ve been doing, I don’t appetite to know. And the guy I’m calling won’t ask any questions. He’ll advice you get better.”

He didn’t apperceive why he was accomplishing this exactly, but it acquainted right. And sometimes that’s enough. He offered the backpack to Bonds.

“No thanks,” said the baseball player. “Those things will annihilate you.”

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(NOTE: Acknowledgment to Dashiell Hammett, ambassador Gavin Newsom and above Giants third baseman Fran Mullins, after whom this examination would not accept been possible).

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